Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Slim Fast is My Kryptonite

So I innocently purchased some Slim Fast thinking it might keep me filled up between my breakfast snack and lunch while at work; it promised to keep me full for up to four hours. As you may know, I am a big fan of eating; I eat often and heartily. Little did I know this silent demon would weasel its way into my guts and kick and scream until it poked holes on my insides. I am just now recovering from my mistake. It had milk in it. I love milk, but milk doesn't love me. It treats me mean. [Insert a fist shaking toward Ulcerative Colitis]
This lead me to a rather unconventional thought that might raise a few eyebrows, but I have to present the question: Why do we drink the milk of cows? We aren't designed to drink cow milk. We are designed to drink human milk.
I work with someone who had a premature baby. In the preemie ward of the hospital, they typically feed to newborns non-human milk (powdered or cows? I don't know). But this guy's wife is a bit of a hippie and she discovered a place where new mothers send in their frozen milk to help out those mothers that can't breastfeed. The baby made a miraculous recovery. After seeing how amazing the results were, the hospital opted to pay several $100,000.00 of their medical bills and is now doing research into this new method of feeding premature babies.
Considering this anomaly, I am presenting what I think would give a boost to the self esteem and self worth of new mothers as well as the porn industry. I think you might know where I'm going with this, and if you're frightened, feel free to take your leave. I won't judge you.
Could you picture new mothers on milking machines you see in a common dairy? I totally see some crazy fetish porn coming out of this, but I also envision a dairy product that is designed with the human stomach in mind. Everyone wins.


  1. Oh my god! Its sooo the slim fast! I was on the shakes then i got a flare up! Which i still have and nothing is working! Its the damn slim fast! Damn you slim fast damn you to hell!!! aaaaargh! They should put a warning for people with UC!

  2. Wow, it's both comforting and sad to know other people have had the exact same catalyst to a flare up. Crazy! Sorry you're still down and out :(

  3. My problem with that crap is I drank like 5 a day because they taste good! Did NOT lose weight but gained some more junk in the trunk if you know what I mean! Sorry to hear it messed you up though! There is so much garbage in so called health foods you never know whats safe anymore.