Thursday, August 2, 2012
All Growed Up
The fall school semester is upon us. It's giving me some anxiety. I supposedly have enough credits to apply for my Associates. I'm dragging my heels. I think this is because once I have my Associates I will be pushed from the cozy nest I've made at a community college and plunged into the cold uncharted waters of a university. Universities cost more. The teachers are more intimidating (in theory). I don't know my way around the campus. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, even though I've already taken more time than your average go-getter would have taken. Being an adult is hard. I can scarcely decide what to wear in the morning; which toothpaste to choose in the grocery store; what I'm making for dinner. My free time is on autopilot. Now I have to choose a career path. I have to think and make grown up decisions and live with the consequences. I feel less at fault for potential failure if I just coast into the next open door, rather than reading the signs on the path, wiggling handles, picking locks that are intriguing. I want to get a dart board and paste my top ten choices on it, shoot, shoot, shoot a dart into my future. Make me feel less on-the-hook. How does one decide? I have been receding into the shadows of avoidance. I see neither bulls nor horns here. It is lukewarm and familiar and disappointing.