Monday, July 6, 2015

Ch-ch-changes...turn and face the strain

Shit loads going on. Been awhile. Been kind of tucked into myself over this last year, trying to stop my head from spinning off my neck. I went through a deep betrayal about a year ago, and since then it feels like time is on fast forward and reverse intermittently, unpredictably. I'm working on it though. Going to counseling. I've always thought it would do me some good anyway; figure it would do everyone some good if they weren't so worried about the stigma of it. It's like talking things though with a friend, but one that has been trained on how to give advice and help you figure out the root of what's ailing you. I've never started so many self help books; I've always kind of hated them until now. Then again, they're nearly all sitting on my bed side table half read. Slow and steady wins the race. I think the betrayal was the catalyst for a shit load of changes that were a long time coming. Sometimes the only way to find motivation to move is in an earthquake.

We had our first respite placement a few weeks ago. Respite is basically a kind of babysitter for foster parents; we are licensed but not ready for a full time "permanent" placement. He is an 11 year old boy and stayed with us for almost a month. He was pretty damned well adjusted. It was rocky since we went from zero kids to an eleven year old overnight. When they dropped him off at our house, it literally felt like they were bringing us a pizza. The taxi driver knocked on our door, had me sign for him, and left without coming in or introducing us or anything. Basically this kid rolled in his suitcase and we looked at each other for awhile. Then we played a couple games of Clue and felt a little more eased into the environment. Then came the real work where we had to talk about bed time, and showers (apparently pre teen boys despise them), and food, and cleaning, and running out of underwear in the morning before summer program, and library books, and video games, and all that shit. It was pretty cool, really. And it helped me step outside of myself, which I desperately need to do sometimes. I took to this placement like a fish to water - I find comfort in giving someone else my full attention so that I don't have to think about or focus on myself at all. It means I don't have to be motivated and make decisions on what to do, or not do, because I am focused on someone else. It turns out this is kind of a pattern for me.

*Pan to my late-teens* Once I was out of my dads place, I rented a house with my brother and worked two or three jobs at a time to afford it. Then I got into a relationship and quit one of my jobs, but replaced it with school. Then I got my AA degree and put school on hold and just worked a regular full time job...and watched a shit load of TV. I fasted from TV sometimes, but then binged. I seem to have a hard time keeping myself occupied with my own personal interests. It feels like an intimidating endeavor for me. I need to think about it some more. That's why I want to get back into writing. It is a big self care thing for me - I am creating something, not just dully observing the creations of others. That's a thought in progress that I hope to come back to when I'm not so bursting with other things to say.

I was rear ended on my way home from work a few days before we got our respite placement. My car was totaled. Some girl didn't see traffic was stopped on the off-ramp of the freeway and she slammed into me, slammed my car through a chain link fence, and spun it around the opposite direction of where I started.
T'was a good car that served me well, it had been paid off for about six years, I'd just repainted it and gotten the tint replaced, and had a new stereo put in like six months prior. It was a real bitch. Oh, and the girl didn't have insurance, so that added insult to injury. Thankfully I had uninsured/under-insured on my policy and they gave me a somewhat reasonable sum for my car, and I ended up with a way cooler car that I actually LOVE driving, so it's all good. I'll have a car payment for about a year, but that's no big deal. I can't complain.

On to the next thing; I resigned from my job. I'd been with the company for ten and a half years. It just feels like the right time to move on. I feel like this is a moment in my life to make changes, and I didn't have much more room to grow in my current position. I will be there for two more weeks, then it's on to the next job I've got lined up. It will be a good transition, but I will sorely miss all the people I've worked with these many years. I spend more time with them than I do with my own flesh and blood, and they have become a family to me. Change is hard, but when I know it's time, I thirst for it and can't contain myself from hitting the gas and going pedal to the metal at a furious clip.